By Nicole Bruno and Desiree’ Miller – 2023
Surviving the Holidays After the Loss of Your Baby
Nicole here, I hope you all are well and utilizing the care and resources you need to get by. The holidays are fast approaching, and I’m sure your anxiety around them as well. I remember that after I lost my daughter, I was only focused on getting by. If you’re like me, you might find that the holidays can be particularly challenging. If I could give you any advice, it would be these things:
1. Surround Yourself with Love
As many of you know, you’ll only find out who your true friends and family are when bad things happen. Surround yourself with these people. People who “get it”. People who want to honor and remember your child with you. Don’t feel guilty about holding a boundary if you are not ready to celebrate or see certain people. Protect your heart.
2. Set Limits
Don’t be afraid to set time limits if you need to. If you want to see everyone but are unsure if you can handle hours of holiday celebrations, consider setting a time limit in advance and let family know you can only stay that long. Sometimes you need time to decompress after a big gathering and this will give you the opportunity and time to do that. Another option is spending the holiday away. Our homes can be full of reminders and triggers so this may be a good option for some of you.
3. Create New Traditions
Find ways to honor your baby/create new family traditions. I have a tradition of purchasing a new ornament yearly for my daughter, as well as making an angel ornament with my support group. I have a tiny tree I decorate as well. Every year when we decorate our big tree and pull out those ornaments, I feel like she is there with us. That first year, I bought a toy for her and decorated a tree at her grave. I have seen others donate toys to children in need and “adopt a family” to provide presents for. There are so many ways to honor your baby; just find what works for your family. If you need any help or suggestions, I would be happy to help.
4. You Can Be Both Sad AND Happy
Don’t feel guilty for being sad. It is a normal response to be sad about the death of your child. I remember feeling like I was missing out, and experienced a lot of sadness around what should be happening. In contrast, don’t feel guilty for enjoying your holidays. You can be happy and honor your baby, but sad they are not here, at the same time. You are allowed to do both, and truthfully, it is healthy to do both.
Lastly, I want you to know that we are here if you need us throughout this holiday season. We want you to know that we support you however you decide to celebrate the holidays and appreciate you sharing your babies with us. We hope you do whatever brings you the most peace this holiday season.
Supporting a Loved One During the Holidays After the Loss of Their Baby
Hi, it’s Desiree’. As a friend to many grieving parents, I know that the holiday season can be a tough time for them. Navigating festivities and gatherings is overwhelming, knowing they should have their baby or child here with them. Therefore, I believe it’s crucial to offer support in a thoughtful and compassionate manner. If someone close to you is going through this difficult time, here are some ways you can support them through the holiday season:
1. Regular Check-Ins
Reach out to your friend or family member regularly in a way that suits them—whether it’s through phone calls, text messages, emails, cards, or in-person visits. Be a lending ear and let them share their feelings without feeling the need to fix everything. Sometimes, simply offering a listening ear can provide comfort.
2. Acknowledge Their Loss
If you gather for a holiday meal, consider creating a place setting at your table for the baby. However, it’s essential to be sensitive to their feelings. Beforehand, inform them of your intention and ask if it would be okay, as some may find this gesture comforting, while others may find it triggering.
3. Thoughtful Gestures
A sweet idea is to Fill a small stocking or gift bag with items that convey your care and support. Consider including items like a nice candle, cozy socks, a tea mug with tea bags, or a thoughtful framed poem. These small gestures can let them know you are thinking of them and their baby during this difficult time.
4. Accompany Them to the Gravesite
If they are comfortable, go with them to visit the gravesite. If the cemetery allows, you can also bring along flowers or a holiday decoration. This can be a meaningful way to show your support and provide a sense of companionship during what may be a challenging visit.
5. Plan ahead for Difficult Days
Make plans to touch base on the upcoming holidays or other days they may be dreading, like birthdays and anniversaries, meaningful dates like due dates, etc. Even a quick call or a video chat can provide a sense of connection and support during tough times.
6. Say Their Names
It’s important to acknowledge the baby’s presence in the family. Saying their names and showing you remembering them is a meaningful way to show that their existence is not forgotten, especially during family gatherings.
7. Remember the Partner
Don’t forget to support the partner as well. Grieving is a shared experience, and even a simple hug while mentioning the baby’s name can go a long way in acknowledging their grief.
8. Donate in Their Baby’s Memory
Consider making a donation to a non-profit organization in memory of their baby. This thoughtful gesture not only honors the child’s memory but also contributes to a cause that may be meaningful to the grieving parents.
9. Floral Tributes
Order a Christmas poinsettia or lilies at Easter for your church in honor of their child. This provides a visible and beautiful tribute to their baby during holiday church services.
10. Express Your Gratitude
Write a heartfelt note expressing your thankfulness for them and letting them know you are thinking of them during the holiday season. Offer words of hope and comfort, assuring them of your continuous support throughout the year.
11. Send a Comforting Card
Send a card acknowledging the challenges they’ve faced throughout the year. Offer words of hope and comfort, such as, “I’m remembering your son this holiday season and am hoping that you feel love and peace surrounding you.” (I used son as a reference here but when you write a card, be sure to use their baby’s name) Let them know you’re there to support them throughout the coming year.
When we approach the holidays with sensitivity and compassion, we can help our friends or family members to navigate this challenging time and let them know that they are not alone in their grief.
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